I'm a mom.

(Guest Post from Gayle Bell)

I’m a mom. This is a huge part of my identity, but it isn’t the whole of it. I’m also a professional. So, I’m a working mom, but that doesn’t capture all of who I am either. And really, it doesn’t differentiate me from any other mom. ‘Cause, let’s be honest, all moms work: diapers, laundry, dinner, bath time, bed time, doctor appointments, etc.

With my induction into the mom world, I felt pressured to choose a side. There is a war raging between the stay-at-home moms and the “working” moms, and you’d better arm yourself and storm the field! Are you going to commit forty hours a week to a purpose that contributes to the world around you? Or are you going to contribute to the world in the most important way by being a mom to your children twenty-four hours a day?

I refuse to take a side. Both sides infuriate me.

I am a mom twenty-four hours a day. No parent stops being a parent when they step into the office. You still check every message on your cell phone just in case something’s happened. Your heart smiles and breaks a little at the same time when you look at the pictures of your darling child or the most recent art project from daycare that adorns your desk. Parenting never stops whether you work outside the home or not. And every parent is contributing to the world around them. You certainly don’t have to go to an office to do that.

Even if you do choose a side, you’re still not safe in the ranks. Are you a working mom who wishes she could stay at home, is riddled with guilt about it, but has no choice? Or are you an empowered woman who can have it all by being the perfect mom and a high-powered professional, setting an example for your daughters to emulate and your sons to deeply respect?

Again, I will not arm myself. Right now staying at home is not an option for me, but I don’t see that as necessitating a sense of guilt. To be honest, I’m not sure I would want to stay at home if it was an option. I like my job, I believe in what I’m doing there, and yes, I want my daughter to know she can be a strong, independent woman with a career, if she chooses that. But I also don’t necessarily think I have to have a career to teach her that.

I will not arm myself because I’m a parent and a human being, and I recognize that all parents—all humans—face struggles. Parenting is hard, gloriously hard in a most fulfilling way, but stinkin’ hard. So, no, I won’t battle with other parents about the best way to parent. I don’t have expendable energy to invest in a battle, and I certainly don’t want to drain other parents of their precious energy. Parenting is hard, and I see it in every beautifully frazzled parent I meet. Parenting is hard, but it’s a hell of a lot easier when we shoulder the burden together. No, I won’t arm myself to battle you, but I will bend myself to get beneath your load with you so we can stand up together and march on as parents.

Gayle Bell is a mom to 1-1/2-year old Tessa and wife to Jason. She runs the College Achievement Program at Denver Academy, an independent school for students with learning differences.