If I leave the house with my 10-month-old daughter during the day, and I go somewhere in public with her, someone will ask her this question. On behalf of my pre-verbal child, I mumble a platitude in response (I’m not a very outgoing, social person), and my daughter beams her billion-dollar smile and then she waves bye-bye and we continue with our day.
These people mean well, even if they don’t realize the assumptions they’re making. Even the people who seem to be judging the way I’m handling what they think are my baby-sitting-for-a-day duties mostly mean well...Because that’s what a lot of people seem to think I’m doing. They think the time I’m spending with my daughter is an aberration. Surely, she normally must spend all day with Mommy or with her nanny or in her daycare.
Even in Denver, which is a pretty progressive town, gendered roles still fuel people’s expectations of the scene they think they’re witnessing: The harried, uncomfortable dad, lugging a bucket carseat perched on his hip with a cool, ungirly diaper bag slung over his shoulder walks into a coffee shop, or a grocery store, to take care of an errand that Mommy didn’t have time for. Or, if we’re in a restaurant, it must be a special Daddy-Daughter Day. Maybe I’m giving Mommy a break for the day, because she’s must be the one who does most of the parenting work. I, like all men, just show up to help sometimes.
If you think I’m exaggerating, watch this Wells Fargo ad:
This ad seems to pass for progressive, but it’s seriously called, “Dad’s Day Out with Baby.” And it just has to include a scene where he goes to a breastfeeding mommies club and feels uncomfortable. That doesn’t even make any sense. Why would he even be there?
Do I sound bitter? I’m not, really. I am just still baffled by how much baggage we bring to social interactions. No one would ever make those assumptions about my wife. I also would like to get through a day where I don’t have to decide if I am just going to let the comment go or to say something that corrects the perception. If I say something, I sound sanctimonious and snotty and I make someone feel bad, or at the very least uncomfortable. If I don’t say anything, then I am reinforcing this perception in our culture that men can’t be primary caregivers for their children.
I don’t want to be an exception to the rule, because I don’t do what I do for a living because I’m trying to make a political point. I do what I do because it made the most sense for my family. One of us (my wife) makes enough money that one of us (me) can stay home and take care of our daughter. If I was the one that made more money, my wife would be home. If neither one of us made enough money to do this, our daughter would be in daycare. Gender and sex got nothin’ to do with it.
What’s more, the traditional roles don’t even apply to our society in as large a way as people think. According to an article in the New York Times, “In 2011, only 16 percent of American households contained a breadwinner husband and a stay-at-home wife, according to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics.”
To throw out another statistic: In the last decade, the number of stay-at-home dads more than doubled, to 176,000...By the way, did you happen to check out the headline of the article I just linked to?
“Mr. Mom Era: Stay-at-home dads doubled over last decade.” #eyeroll
I want to be clear: I’m not writing this post because I’m upset about my lot in life. I love what I do. I am around for every milestone and I am building a bond with my daughter that will last a lifetime. That’s not to say that other moms and dads who work don’t get those opportunities; most of my friends are working parents, and their kids are awesome and they love their parents.
But the next time you see a man out and about, with a baby, alone, don’t jump to conclusions. Treat him like you would a mom with a baby. That’s all I’m asking for.
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